Mmmkay. If you’re not into long sappy self pity posts, I have taken over on another blog, so you can head on over to Real Life With Kids for some lighthearted fun about Sin City. Cate is quite the find as far as blogs go, as well as a fantastic friend, so if you still want to read the following post, do me a solid and hop over to her place when you leave. Peace out.
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“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”
–Epictetus
This is a quote my therapist brought to my attention today at my appointment. It makes sense. She also told me that our perception is our reality. This one struck a chord with me, too. It seems so basic and logical, but then when I examined the meaning hiding behind the words it became slightly more complicated.
I don’t know who I am. I haven’t found myself. All I know is that I am a mommy and I am a wife. If not for those things I don’t know who I would be. I used to think that it wasn’t important to have the sense of “me,” but maybe if I did I would be more capable of giving myself to other people. Right now what they see is a meek soul carrying around a lifeless corpse on it’s shoulders.
If I don’t know who I am, how can I possibly understand what my perception or reality really are? Maybe I’m just not cut out for this deep philosophical introspection. Then again, maybe I am and I fear what I might find, good or bad.
Grab the lifesaver! I’m pulling you out of the deep end!!!
I was getting carried away and confusing myself, so I’m going to attempt to explain and not melt my brain matter simultaneously. You game? Alright then!
Hey Depression! You know what?! 
Needless to say, I’ve started seeing a therapist/counselor/whatever. She just might be a beacon for me. She is one of those people that exudes ease and makes you comfortable in a pretty awkward situation. Unloading your bullshit on someone you’ve never met as well as being on the receiving end of the same could easily be undesirable, but it just isn’t so in this case.
I’ve been feeling…not right lately. Well, I shouldn’t say “lately.” I haven’t been all here for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not losing my mind or anything, but daily I find myself in a self-deprecating mind-meld, if you will. What I mean is that I constantly badger myself for not being a better mom. For not being a better wife. For not giving my family the me that they deserve and require. Then? I beat myself up for zoning out on all the negatives. All the negative stuff becomes a swirling vortex that consumes and destroys both my time and my energy. What is left is unacceptable. It’s not me.
Turns out, all the negativity that goes on inside is thrust outward without my consent. I never thought about how my internal workings could affect my environment, the people in it, and the way those people react to me. Now, I’m beating myself up for not making the connection. It just seems so obvious. I guess it’s kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I’m noticing that about a lot of things now.
I’ve been so focused on my scattered brain and emotional highs and lows and all the “why’s” that I forgot to focus on anything else. Like the sound the leaves make in my Cottonwood when the wind rustles through them, or the rain on the tin roof of my back patio. The smell of dirty little boys. The pure joy of kissing my husband. Those things have all gotten lost in the sludge that is my current consciousness. THAT EFFING SUCKS.
So. I think I’ll do something about it. My therapist has given me the first of many “tools,” as she calls them. Things to apply and practice to get the train back on the tracks so to speak. No matter that I would grovel at her feet for some Zoloft, I’m thrilled that she found me capable of trying to manage myself, myself. Depression is not something to be played around with under any circumstances and I am all for the medication approach. I have taken that road before. With my first child and my battle with Postpartum. The medications effects were similar to throwing water on a fire, but I had an even rougher time getting off the pills. I have quite the addictive nature so that road I mentioned? I sped down the asphalt like a bat out of hell and when it was time to stop for gas, it wasn’t easy to give up the ride. The drive was so easy, no pot holes, no hairpin turns. Lovely. Not something I’m willing to put myself and my family through again unless it is absolutely necessary. And it might be. Time will tell.
I’ve read so many bloggers’ tales of Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, general depression and everything in between. Under normal circumstances, I would put this in my pocket and write about my kids antics or my general lack of homemaker skills, but I got to thinking that maybe there’s a reason for people spilling their guts. Well, come to find out, spilling your guts to people you’ve never met is exceptionally cathartic. I’ve been considering writing this post for weeks, but I couldn’t decide whether it would seem genuine or if readers would scoff at my jumping on the bandwagon. I’m not jumping on any bandwagon and I can assure you that this is my truth. Take it or leave it.
I’m sure you’ve noticed I haven’t been around quite as much, and this is why. I have officially been diagnosed as depressed. Strange, because I’m not exactly what you would call unhappy. I love my life, I love my kids, I love my husband, and I’m blessed way beyond anything I deserve. Thing is, I need to figure out how to become capable of giving the whole me to the people around me instead of just a withering shell. Workin’ on it!
Anybody got a map?
“The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation
from storms and tempests.” –Epictetus
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
You go girl!!! You are going to get through this. It takes so much courage to do what you are doing.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like it might be in my best interests to give up on the courage and beg for the meds, but I’m trying not to.
It’s good to read your voice again, my friend.
You’re brave and strong and wonderful! And back!
Love to you!
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I think that’s one of the nicer things I’ve heard lately. You made me smile. YAY! I knew there was another reason I could add to my list of reasons you should come live with me
Love right back!
I was/am in the same place. I started seeing a counselor four months ago. And I’m doing the med thing. And I feel better. Plus not working at my hated job anymore seems to have helped immeasurably. I still struggle with negativity on occasion and 90% of the time it’s directed inwards. Sigh. Thanks for writing this post.
Angela recently posted..Third Times a Charm
It’s a hard place to be because it is such a vicious cycle with the negativity. Good job getting the help you needed.
I missed you! And I can totally relate. Depression deserves flip offs from all of us suffering from/with it. It’s a joy sucker, for sure. Hang in there, we can do this…together. xoxoxo
Natalie recently posted..Mommy Needs a Time Out
Thanks so much for sharing all of this with us! You are so transparent and that is so refreshing! I know that this post will help many who are depressed be more open about it and seek help.
I would never think you were jumping on a bandwagon! I blog about my depression because, as you said, it is so helpful…at least, to me. I don’t know about my readers. I am on the Zoloft, but have to start working soon to get off of it! Eeek! Hang in there!
Aw, I’ve been thinking about you. Glad you’re talking to someone (and to us!). I don’t think this is at all something to mess around with and we’ve likely all been there.
Maybe this will make you laugh: Depression is like gas, better out than in.
I just made that up but it makes sense to me. Hugs. Off to visit Cate now.
KLZ recently posted..Like giving Meth to an Meth Addictbut Legal
You know what? I think it’s totally friggin hilarious that me and you both quoted Shrek. Sort of. I almost titled it “Ogres are Like Onions” but it didn’t feel quite right. Ha!
Thanks for going to see Cate! I love her.
Great post. I think you have a fantastic life ahead of you. Change the things you want to change and embrace the things you don’t. (It’s not easy to do- but totally worth it.)
Hey Lesley! I’m so glad you finally commented instead of lurking around here
And thanks for that.
Change is such a scary thing. It’s also especially hard changing the way my mind processes things. I’m trying to do my best though!
I think this blog of yours is going to help u tremendously. It’s a fabulous way to vent and in the midst you gain friendships, support and encouragement….your fabulous(: go throw on an outfit, grab a drink and show us the confident woman we all wanna see.
Vic recently posted..Thirsty Thursday Dress Up- Drink Up
The blogging is helping a ton. Even though I haven’t had the time to do much lately, when I do, it makes for some good stress relief. I need more hours in the day, but who doesn’t, right?
Depression sucks. Part of the reason I started my blog was to help me keep my feelings sorted out & considered to try to head off the depression at the pass. I also see a counselor, but just once a month because of both cost & scheduling issues. I could easily go much more often, but a little is better than not at all.
Hopefully writing will help you as it does me.
Good luck.
Oh, & I’m seriously considering swiping your graphic for my post on my stupid metabolism. That graphic? Is exactly how I feel right now.
WTH am I Doing recently posted..Metabolism I hate you
I’m so lucky that my insurance is paying for mine.
I went and read that post about the metabolism, and you know what? It totally deserved that graphic. I know exactly how you feel!
You are not alone, darling. The sick thing about motherhood that they don’t tell you when you go off the pill is that being a good wife and mommy often requires sacrificing yourself for a long, long time; long enough that you forget who you are, who you meant to be, what matters to you, just you.
I felt the very same way, and when the fog cleared (and it WILL clear for you too), I remembered, and I picked up and got started again, or for the first time, on being who I meant to be. I am writing now, and one of the first stories I wrote mirrored much of the world we live in, and then it veers delightfully down the paths we can’t and choose not to take. I hope you will take a peek at http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com. It’s about a mom like us, and it’s fun, then dangerous and in the end, extremely satisfying. For you, it may be a good distraction for a while. I wish you well.
Elizabeth
Actually, the thing is, I was aware that I would have to give myself up in order to be everything to someone else. The fact that I have never known who I am, who I meant to be, or what mattered to me means that there wasn’t much to sacrifice. What I have learned since becoming a mom is that I need to dig and try to unearth a person who knows these things and be a “me” and a mom at the same time. That’s the only way I’m ever going to be able to give my family what they need. Now, there’s a mom without a “me” and it translates into a shell of a person, which benefits absolutely no one.
depression, we go way back.
I love your quote in the end, but it is easier said than done, isn’t it????
Oh yes. Much much easier said than done even though it sounds so simple, right?
Ah, Roxane. This is beautifully and so “you” written. I think it’s wonderful that you shared this with us and that you get out both the humor and the serious struggles on your blog.
I know that my blog started as an outlet for me so that I had a place to put the “me” that exists but is sometimes overshadowed by the “me” that is mom, wife, lady at her desk. It has been so much more rewarding than I imagined.
One of the biggest rewards has been meeting you and your many bloggy friends.
Big love.
Cate
Cate recently posted..Plum Facts – by Kris of Pretty All True
I hate getting too serious with myself. It’s so unnerving and not helpful. I like throwing the funny in, because it’s what I would do if I were telling the story to someone in person.
Meeting you was one of my favorite parts, too. I am so glad to have you with your cheetos and nerf guns. Even without them you would be exceptional. Seriously.
I feel expression of ourselves during the challenges and obstacles we face, whether depression, fear, pain, etc., does contribute and help in a positive manner. It sounds like you are taking the necessary steps in overcoming this. Hell, the biggest step is just to be able to admit that something is amiss. May you continue to have the strength to kick depression in the ass! My thoughts are with ya!
The Urban Cowboy recently posted..Haiku Times Too
Thanks so much for that! Admitting the problem was the hardest part, because it’s tough to accept the fact that you’re not in total control. I hope to not only kick it’s ass but also make it beg for mercy. Again, thank you.
Hi Roxane. Just found you through #FF and just wanted to stop by and say thanks for the post! I’m sure it took a lot of courage. I’ll definitely be following your journey as my wife had quite a bit of baby blues with our second.
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Glad to know you! I don’t exactly have postpartum (I don’t think) but I have had it before. It blows. Big time. My therapist said she’s not one for labels, so she won’t give the depression a category, whether it be clinical, manic, or postpartum. Or whatever else. I’m having a hard time with that because I am a little OCD with needing things to be “labeled.”
I really hope to see you again soon. Thanks for coming by!
Roxane, Girl I’ve been there. This is what my blog is all about! How can we do it all? How can we be everything to everyone and still find time for ourselves? But we must love ourselves first and care for ourselves first or else we are no good to anyone else! The process of changing your life begins with a single thought! Please come over to my blog and read some of my Transforming my Life Project posts and some of my inspirational posts. I think they’ll be right up your alley! http://bit.ly/c2yp4Q
Lindsay recently posted..Taking Infertility Treatments to the Next Level
It’s good to know there are others out there who are going through it or have been through it. I did come over and read quite a bit, just didn’t have time to comment. I’ll be back before long and thanks for the link. See you soon!
Onions have layers. Typically, onions stink. Your writing? Not so much. It doesn’t stink. I mean!) So you probably don’t, either. But I don’t know you personally, so I can’t say. I have dealt with depression, too. Lots of it. Lots of different meds, too. Therapists? Not so much. Blah blah blah. I like to analyze myself, so I use the mirror as my therapist right now. It doesn’t tell me what to do or give me helpful advice, but it doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg, either. Ha. SERIOUSLY: Be careful with the anti-depressants. IF you are bipolar, anti-depressants can push you so high (manic) you may do some strange/hurtful/illegal things. I know. (Not the illegal things, though, as far as you know, anyway.) I will follow your blog. You are a good writer! I am sure you are a good Mom, too. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t give a flying eff about reaching out for help! I have done the self deprecation thing, too. It doesn’t work for me. It pisses off pretty much everyone in my life, but I am a pleaser, so I do it anyway. I can’t help it. It’s (unfortunately) in my nature to be self-deprecating. Whiny? I think I have that layer, too. But invite me to Whine and Wine? Yeah, baby, I do that pretty good
, too. Lighten up on yourself, sweetie. Ok? I know it is easy to say, but hard to do. Even harder to keep on doing it. You’ll be in my thoughts, like this one: think of your fellow bloggers as that guy in “The Water Boy,” Rob Schneider, I think. He says, “YOU can DO eet!” And with that, I will step down from the soap box. Besides, I’m all sudsy. Hey! A bath! THAT’s a good place to have some wine and then whine into the mirror! I just might have to do that. If you decide to fore your therapist and hire your mirror, just remember to always say, “YOU can DO eet!” EVERY time you look into your own eyes in that mirror, ok? There! See? I bet you’re smiling now! At least I hope I’ve given you a chuckle. Or 3. Or maybe 7. (Did I mention I am a little OCD?)
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I just have to say that this comment was fantastic! Thank you for saying my writing doesn’t stink. I’ve never thought of myself as a writer, but since you said so…
We sat and talked a lot about the possibilities of my condition being something else entirely, like bipolar or manic, but ended up ruling them out for 10 or 12 reasons. Yay! No worries there.
I am also an expert whiner. I try really hard not to do it on the blog, but sometimes I just have to. I guess this was one of those times. Whining to people who aren’t going to judge or belittle you is good for the soul. Yipee for blogging!
Oh, and the fact that you typed this out on an itty bitty phone keyboard baffles my mind. That would’ve taken me several days. You go girl!!!
Well crap. Isn’t that just like the #FAIL that I am, to type “fore” instead of “fire.” As in “if you decide to fire your therapist and hire your mirror.” I mean, WTH? How would you “fore” your therapist? Or anyone else, for that matter? If you figure it out, let me know. Ok, I’m going to go into the bathroom for some Wine, Whine, and Mirror Therapy. Catch ya on the flip-flop!
Yeah, I’m way OCD about typos, but I think I’ll leave yours there in all it’s glory since you were so kind as to point it out. I think I’ll go fore my husband now. Whatever that means.
I’ve been to depression-town and that place blows. And you’re right, spilling your guts feels great. I try to do it as often as I can. I’ve been a lot more assertive about what I want and what I NEED (perception, right?) but if it makes you sane and makes you smile, well then goddamn, I’m going after it. Good for you for getting help. Happytown is close by. Sometimes I get there and it’s kind of nice.
I hope you’re right about Happytown being close. Of course I’m not exactly in Sadville, but Happytown would be an excellent place to be if I do say so myself.
Uhhh, have you set up my appointment with the Blorax yet? I need to see the other side of that, what was it, landfill? Compost pile? Yes yes, that one! Hook me up!
Heavy sighs.
And much love.
Know that you are seen.
Much love.
Snort! I got a serious comment out of you. Double extra throaty snort!
Thank you Kris. You are so wonderful.
even in your depression, your personality and humor shine through! I’m so sorry you are going through this, Roxane. But it sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
I love your new look, BTW, and i signed up for your emails, too!
liz recently posted..Dear You Guys-
Hey Liz! I’m definitely glad the depression hasn’t swallowed up my personality or there would be hell to pay. That’s one of the only things I really like about myself. I used to love my hair but now it’s running off, too. My hair and my sanity are having an affair in the Hamptons. Bitches.
Oh, the look! I’m really glad you like it, but I’ve been working with someone to get a new one. So far I think it’s going to be really awesome. We shall see. Thanks for subscribing! That’s awesome!
In my brain, I commented on this post.
Then again, in my brain, I am still a size 8.
I’m sad you’re going through this.
Just remember that we are a patient and loving bunch. And what you need – laughter, support, encouragement – can be found here.
Any time.
Always.
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Man, I hate that! I am constantly thinking I commented on all kinds of things and then find out that I haven’t. Bummer. I’m really glad you took the time to comment even though in your brain you had already done the typing. Lotsa love for that
Thanks for offering up that support thing. I probably will take you up on it sometime. Who could possibly make me feel better about my life? I mean, you have teenagers… ::shudder::
I think there are so many more women out there that are just like you (and me). It’s more common than we think but nobody talks abut it. Thank you for having the courage to share.
I’m really glad now that I wrote this post. I hope somebody reads it that can benefit from it.
And Thank You.
Whenever I get depress I usually get out of the house and take a walk whenever my feet will take me to. But at the end of my walking session I get relieve and my senses seems back to what was normal. I don’t take it seriously and deal with it as if it’s been part of my life. The easiest way to move on from your depression is to accept what’s reality and take the chance which you think that can make your situation better.
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