At this point in my life I am having a particularly hard time dealing with age.
My kids’.
My mom’s.
Mine.
I’m turning 27 years old in a couple of weeks and I can’t get over it. I know when I’m much older I’ll look back and think myself silly for it, but right here, right now, it is scaring the hell out of me. Only 3 years from 30? This is the stuff of nightmares. My youth is nearly gone and I don’t think I really enjoyed it like I should have. Where did it go? My debilitating fear of death gets worse all the time because I’m that much closer to it. Is this something like a quarter-life crisis? Everyone says your 30′s are the best years of your life. I hope I can see it that way when it gets here.
The hardest part? Knowing I can’t get one second of it back.
My youngest will be turning 2 years old in September. Friggin TWO. Not cool. I remember wondering for 3 months whether I would ever see the day that she didn’t have to wear the Apnea monitor. She grows so fast I can’t keep her in shoes. She’s still small for her age (getting closer to average percentile in height and weight every day) but she seems so big compared to the tiny little thing I held in the NICU. Too big. Way too fast. I am so thankful that she has developed so well when things could have been very bad, but I am dreading her birthday. Dreading it. Isn’t that awful? It likely has something to do with the fact that I am not having any more children. She’s my baby. Is it normal to abhor the thought of your child turning two? What kind of mother does that make me? I just want to keep her little and soft and sweet for a little while longer. But we all know that is not going to happen.
Quite bittersweet.
My oldest is starting Kindergarten in the fall. ::falls over into a dead faint:: I don’t need to elaborate right? You feel my pain? Kay.
My mom. She turned 55 in March. In my mind she is the embodiment of youth. In the real world she ages just like everybody else. She used to be unstoppable, but lately it’s like the number itself caused an avalanche of things that I can’t wish away or ignore. Don’t get me wrong, she looks fantastic for her age and she still has oomph to spare, but things are different. And so suddenly. I absolutely hate it. By the end of the day she’s exhausted and has to rest. My mom resting is a foreign notion to me. Even just a year or two ago, I would have pitted her against the Energizer Bunny any day of the week. Apparently I don’t do well with change.
I have a dark cloud that hovers over me constantly. It goes by the name of “Time.” I should not be dwelling on the things to come, but instead enjoying every day because I am so lucky to be living the life I am. I have it so good. There is absolutely nothing that I should be complaining about. Still, Time hangs there suspended, taunting me. So I dwell. And dread. Which inevitably makes the moments fly by faster than they should since I want so badly to hang on to them.
On a lighter note, I guess if the Rapture occurs today, I won’t have to worry about it anymore. Hee.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, darling you are off your rocker.
There are glorious things to come that a 27 year old brain just can’t quite take in yet. I know this, because I remember 27. And I can compare it to who I am now.
But we love you anyway.
And we’ve missed you!
Lori @ In Pursuit of It All recently posted..A New Wrinkle
You remember 27?!?! I can’t remember yesterday all that well.
I’m looking forward to those glorious things you speak of.
Love you too!
Dammit, Lori.
You always get here first and write my comments for me.
Darling girl, don’t worry about this stuff. Please.
CDG recently posted..Ten Days- Nine Photos
You gotta watch that Lori. She’s quick like a fox!
I’ll try not to worry too much, but it’s really hard.
Much love.
I remember 27 was a hard age for me to wrap my brain around at the time too, for all the same reasons as you. But you’re right – one day you’ll look back and think yourself so silly for feeling that way. I’ve lived an entire life in the nine years since I turned 27. That was the year I met my husband and since then I’ve gotten married, had a baby, and as a result, discovered innate qualities about myself that I never knew existed. Great things lie ahead in your 30′s – trust me.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..An Unappetizing Post Unless You Like Tuna Fish
I sincerely hope you’re right. Although I have done all that marriage/baby stuff already. I got started on that at a very young 19. My first baby was at 21. I wonder what lies in store…
In that case, maybe great things lie ahead in your 40′s, LOL. When your kids will be grown and out of the house and you’ll still be young enough to travel far and wide and generally just live it up. I started my family late(r) and won’t get to that point until I’m, oh, 55-ish? So, I sort of envy people who started their families younger and will have raised their kids by the time they’re middle-aged (as opposed to senior citizens). There’s definitely pros and cons to both sides of the coin.
That said, I don’t want to make you feel douchey for feeling old either. You’re perfectly entitled to feel that way. I did when I turned 27 and again this year when I turned 36 (and I wrote the blog post to prove it). I’m still struggling with my current age, in fact. I’m pretty sure I saw my first spider vein tonight.
But it will probably pass. The 30′s are all about becoming more self-assured and comfortable in your own skin… for the most part.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..All Dogs Should Go to Heaven
Sorry this reply is so late.
That’s one of the things that I am really glad about. My husband and I will still be middle-aged-ish when we’re empty nesters, so we will do nothing but travel if the kids haven’t bankrupted us before then. Even in that case I’m not sure we won’t sell all our belongings and buy a Volkswagen van and live on the road.
NO! No spider veins! Wish it away wish it away!!!
PS- Oh! The wit on you! That last part about the skin and being comfortable in it “for the most part.” That nearly did me in! Hee!
I got married when I was 27.
And I hate when people try to prove that your age is so young and wonderful and you are all douchey for feeling old.
So I won’t do that.
Turning 25 nearly killed me. I didn’t come out of the house (or dry out..ahem) for 3 days.
Each night I put my son to bed I am on the verge of tears that another one of his days is done and he is that much older.
Did you, by chance, read the Empress’s post about this?
You are not alone. There are more than a couple of us out there not just giving time the stink eye and the finger, but wanting to also kick it in the nuts.
With ALL that said?
My 30′s rock my face.
Kate recently posted..look at this while I am gone…
“Douchey for feeling old.” You slay me!
I’m glad you’re feeling me.
I hope my 30′s rock my face, too. That sounds fantastic.
Oh, any chance you might have a link to the Empress’s post?
Kate will start kindy this fall, too. It’s all day around here, and I’m worried how she’ll adjust.
I guess I’m more the Lori route and less the Kate because I totally was going to say that you are still so young. Not that I’m thinking of feeling that I’m “old” but to be 27 and have a 5 year old, and a mom who is just 55? That’s young.
I happen to think young is good, though, because when the kids are grown up, you can easily keep up with them, their kids and all that. I was 23 when I was married and 27 when I had Kate, so I was older than you with the mommy stuff by a lot, but so many of my friends and cousins didn’t even start on the baby (or wedding) thing until 30+. And to me, that’s old.
liz recently posted..It is the Sabbath Afterall
Oh! Hugs to you for little Kate starting school. I wish you the best of luck with that (and her). Try not to blubber too much. I know I will.
Yes! I’ll be 39 when my oldest graduates high school. Does that rock or what?!?!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. You’re a smart cookie!
I have these feelings all the time. I don’t think it really matters what the specific ages are. We can always feel like time is getting away from us.
I see that someone else mentioned The Empress’ post about this topic…I can’t remember the title but it was wonderful and really put things into perspective for me.
I’m so glad to know I’m not alone. Time sure does fly. You always hear that but never really get the gist of it until something happens like your BABY turns 5 and you can’t figure out where all the time went.
That post from the Empress must have been a doozie. I’m trying to hunt it down. Thanks so much!
I struggled with death anxiety too when I was 27. It lasted another 2 years. During that time I found a website that dealt with near death experiences. For some reason that helped me very much. I agree with Kristin that 30s are about becoming more self-assured. Realizing there is life after Photoshop.
2 more years of this? Ick.
I’m so glad to know there are others who have been where I am. Thanks for showing me that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel
My gosh, 27? I remember too how horribly invasive that age seemed back then.
But you know something? It was only in my later 30s and 40s (I’m closer to 50 than to 40) that I realized things just get better and better. I look back at the woman I was 20-odd years ago and marvel at everything she lacked, wisdom/life-experience-wise….I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the gold that living my life would deliver to me.
Hugs to you!
Barbara Ling, Mama Bear recently posted..Hell Froze Over And Incredible Kid Compassion Emerged
It sounds to me like you have led a profoundly fulfilling life. I hope I can say the same things one of these days. Not that my life hasn’t been wonderful so far, but I hope to grow and learn and live similar to the way you have. How lovely to be able to tell me all that!
Thank you so much, and hugs back!
My pleasure! It certainly has indeed been most character-building…in a very good way, I must say.
Barbara Ling, MamaBear recently posted..When BLATANT Bribery Works As An Awesome Parenting Tool
Ooh! I could definitely use some of that character-building good stuff.
Seems like society fooled us all about the crisis at age thirty because for some reason we have all had it at 27! I felt the same way at that age, but now that I am five months from being 30 I am quite calm! Well, we will see what happens in October! As for our kids growing…I don’t think that will ever cease to amaze us!
Kat recently posted..Discipliner and disciplinee
I wonder what it is about that specific number that seems to be plaguing not only me but numerous others. What’s so special about ’27′? I don’t know if I can put it into words, but I sure feel it.
Maybe that’s the calm before the storm, but we can hope not!
The kids growing? I’m stumped as to what can be done. ::wink wink::
I agree it is scary to watch your parents age. I’m 45 now but I remember feeling old at 27 too. I think it’s the youth obsessed media that makes us think life is over at 30. They do it again once you approach 40…..then 50.
Uh oh.
Dun dun duuun!
Damn that youth obsessed media!
Hold me?
No spider veins! It sounds to me like you have led a profoundly fulfilling life.
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